processing.

Vespers=spectacular.

Vespers is a student led chapel and it's the BEST chapel that they offer here. Student worship. Student speaker. 9:30 p.m. Thursday nights.
Last night's vespers was a worship service. The person who spoke, spoke for maybe 5 minutes and everything else was worship. I've had a heavy burden on my heart for so long now that I can barely stand it. God brought it to my attention last night. During worship I was just praying for Him to rescue me and to comfort me. I felt His love, but that doesn't mean that everything has been washed away right now. It is a process that I have to go through and I began that process this evening.

The hatred of my image. The story that accompanies this is still burned in my heart and I feel like I've never really let it go. Even though I taught FCA girls to love themselves, I believe that this is a great concept but I never truely believed it for myself. I feel like a hypocrite.
I've tried to use fancy, persuasive words to shove this conflict into the deepest and darkest chambers of my heart and now it is coming back fullfledge.
I've only told the story to a select few and even then its really hard for me to do so. Even if these people love me.

I was talking to Gina, a girl on my floor tonight and we got on the topic of Soccer David. I told her that I could never actually talk to him and that nothing would amount of this crush. She asked why. I felt like God was tugging at my "heartstrings" and led me to tell her exactly why.
So I told her my story.
I felt like I wasn't even saying it consciously, like it was all God.

She said the greatest things, and then she hugged me and said, "Megan. You are beautiful. Someday, you are going to get married and your husband is going to find you more beautiful than anyone. He is going to love you and admire you. God has someone greater than you can imagine in mind. I wish that you could see the beauty that we all see when we see you."
All the while I'm just crying. It felt good to let this out. It felt good to be vulnerable.

Being a christian doesn't mean I have to have it all together, and that is what I thought for the longest time. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect.
I'm broken, but my God will piece me back together. Like puzzle pieces in His hand.