Ramblings.

I sat outside last night, around a fire, by myself, for an hour and a half before Josie and Ben came over.
It was nice.
I had time to actually think. Usually I'm too busy to focus on what's going on in my own head. I've been putting that nagging little voice in the far corners of my head so I won't have to hear it. Though it's still there. No matter how much I want to forget it and let go I can't. I think we all have that though. We all have a "nagging little voice" in our heads that's saying LISTEN TO ME! ... but who really does?

I listened to that little voice last night.
I realized that I'm living a life I don't want.
When was the last time I picked up my camera?! I don't remember! What the heck have I been doing? I've been focusing on my friends. I've been focusing on school. I've been focusing on my future and where I want it to lead.
I am here on this earth for a purpose, and that's photography and missions. I don't know when that will happen and I don't know how it will happen. I just know it will. I'll make it happen.

So where's my heart been lately?
I don't know. Recently I've had one emotion. Longing and desire.
Longing and desire for someone who doesn't want to be with me.
Longing and desire to fulfill my dreams of missions work.
Longing and desire to get back to God where I should be.

I want romance! I want someone to look at me and believe in me and see me.
"I want to love and be loved and not just that romantic kind either."
but mostly that romantic kind.
I see people together all the time, and I want that so bad.

What's Wrong?

For the past couple days that's all I've been hearing.
People asking me, "What's wrong?" or "Are you sure you are okay?"

I say yes, but I'm not.
The scariest thing is, I don't know what is wrong with me.
It's a weird state I'm in.

I need to take a moment..

and figure out where I'm at and what's important to me.
All I know is that I love and I live.
I have given my life to something bigger than myself.
I have a passion for music and photography.
I would give anything to take a year off and live somewhere out of contact, only with my camera and my guitar, and "build a relationship with nature" (as Ms. Gaffney would say).


Someday I'll do it, but until then I'll make the best of what I have here and that's people who love me.
I've got family who tries their best, and has shown me more love than anyone I know.
I don't have a broken family.
I've got friends who actually care about me, and I care about them. I know what real friendship is.
That will never leave me.

Then there's this.
I've got a house to come home to.
I've got food to eat whenever I need it.
I've got sanitary water.
I don't have to worry about the risk of being sold to a man in his 40s or even 60s.
I don't have to worry about not getting an education.
I don't have to worry about being killed for my beliefs.

I'd risk all of this.
I want to show the world love.
I've realized that I've been called to be a missionary.

Stop and Breathe.

I had a whole blog wrote out.
But I don't think I'm ready for that just yet.

Wishing Weed.

"I'm never gonna get over you. Not 'cuz I can't, 'cuz I don't want to."

Will I ever let these feelings go?
I choose not to act on these feelings.. but they're still here haunting me.
I see them everyday together and it tears me apart everytime.

Will you ever realize that I've always been here waiting for you?


I think I'll always love you.

Mr. D

On Monday of last week one of the most inspiring teachers I have ever known was suspended for a week, because he brought in an article for his students to read. This article was about animals and their homosexual tendencies which is fact, not a controversial issue. The article was an optional assignment and if a student didn't want to read it, he/she was not forced to. The article's opening paragraph was graphic, yes, but this was just the so called "attention getter". This was in no means something to get suspended over. A parent called the board and complained about this article which resulted in his suspension.

Here's the link to the article:
http://seedmagazine.com/content/article/the_gay_animal_kingdom/

Last night was the board meeting to decide whether or not Mr. DeLong got to keep his job. The meeting started at 6 and I got there around 5:30ish. There was already a heck of alot of people there. Throughout the next half hour more people began showing up. The door opened and about 80 to 90 people crammed in the little room to hear the meeting. The members came in and called the meeting to session and asked for executive session and made us all leave the room. At this point I'd say there was atleast 100 students there. News Channels 2 and 5 were there interviewing everyone and it was pretty chaotic.
Everyone sat outside the building freezing their butts off until about 7:30 when we were informed that we could only have 1 speaker for all of us for public comment. We chose our speaker and then we sat outside until 10:30. I'm telling you what, the board members drug this meeting on sooo long. Everyone was so cold and so hungry but refused to leave. I went home and grabbed blankets and food for the people around me who were still there.
After we finally got to speak and everything they called us back in at 12:30.
seriously from 6:30 to 12:30 we all sat outside the building in support for Mr. DeLong.

Here's the link to the newstory:
http://www.ksdk.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=188783

Mr.DeLong is by far my favorite teacher, I have learned so much from him and not just about english. I learned about life, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to educate me. Today as I'm walking down the hall on my way to lunch he is at his door once again and he looks and smiles and says "Hey Megan!" I could tell he was so happy to be back. I almost began to cry. Everyday that man is in the hallway offering a greeting and smile to anyone and everyone. Even if you weren't in his class.
He has inspired so many people, I know he changed my life.

life.

Happy (day after) Halloween!

I've never really been a fan of Halloween, I participate but don't anticipate it every year I guess you could say. I'm not into all that freaky stuff. Although I went to a haunted house this year, and I have watched 2 scary movies in the past 2 days so I'm doing good. I think I've gotten my fill of Halloween. My plan was to be Barium for Halloween, it came to me while I was sitting in AP Chem. For those of you who don't know what the chemical symbol for Barium is... It's Ba. That's right. B.A. ....
I thought it was clever.
Although I never got around to making the costume so I just told everyone about the idea. haha.

This year was my last year marching in the Alton Halloween parade, thank God. The bus gets to Alton and I get on the trailer to get my instrument and thought someone was being stupid and moved my instrument or something. To my surprise- no. I had FORGOTTEN my instrument at the school. So I marched in the parade without an instrument. I heard people on the sides saying, "Hey look! I bet that girl forgot her instrument!" Needless to say... I stuck out like a sore thumb.
Then I hear "Go southwestern!"I look over and this man looked familiar but I couldn't place him and then he yells, "GO CAMP BUNN!" He was a scoutmaster for one of the troops at camp, and recognized me. It made me smile :D.

Today I got to hang with my best friend. :D
We hadn't gotten to hang out in a while just by ourselves so that was nice. We had a black guy hit on us in McDonalds, we took pictures, but we had one downfall. OUR SPOT WAS BEING TORN DOWN. Or so it seems. It was closed down for construction and it looks like they are tearing it down. I am devastated. Those crapsticks.

This evening I got to hang out with another one of my best friends that I haven't gotten to hang out with by ourselves since school started. We sat around a fire in my backyard. We expressed our feelings of college and for once, she let her guard down and told me she was scared. I really learned alot more about her than I have in a long time.


It's nice to just sit back and realize the people you have in your life. The people who make your life as great as it is. I'm so grateful for the people around me. I took pictures to my friend Hannah today and got to talking to her, and it was about 45 minutes before I looked at the clock again. It's nice just talking, listening, really toning into what people have to say. Where people are going, and where they've been.