I sat outside last night, around a fire, by myself, for an hour and a half before Josie and Ben came over.
It was nice.
I had time to actually think. Usually I'm too busy to focus on what's going on in my own head. I've been putting that nagging little voice in the far corners of my head so I won't have to hear it. Though it's still there. No matter how much I want to forget it and let go I can't. I think we all have that though. We all have a "nagging little voice" in our heads that's saying LISTEN TO ME! ... but who really does?
I listened to that little voice last night.
I realized that I'm living a life I don't want.
When was the last time I picked up my camera?! I don't remember! What the heck have I been doing? I've been focusing on my friends. I've been focusing on school. I've been focusing on my future and where I want it to lead.
I am here on this earth for a purpose, and that's photography and missions. I don't know when that will happen and I don't know how it will happen. I just know it will. I'll make it happen.
So where's my heart been lately?
I don't know. Recently I've had one emotion. Longing and desire.
Longing and desire for someone who doesn't want to be with me.
Longing and desire to fulfill my dreams of missions work.
Longing and desire to get back to God where I should be.
I want romance! I want someone to look at me and believe in me and see me.
"I want to love and be loved and not just that romantic kind either."
but mostly that romantic kind.
I see people together all the time, and I want that so bad.
Preach, sister.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be loved :)
yeah.... yeah. I know it.
ReplyDeleteKeep goin' to the good or the bad will sink you.
I've never cared about whether or not I'm in a relationship, and I'm actually not quite sure why. I'm just as happy in one than I am without one. I simply don't use others as a template from which to just my own life. I'm happy on my own. Also, I didn't date in high school (partially because my standards were impossibly high back then, and partially because I was an awkward dweeb), so don't worry about it so much. I'm always here to talk if you want.
ReplyDeleteI'm not basing my wants off of others lives persay. It's just that it is what I want already, and I see others that have it... and its not really jealousy, it's just a longing for that feeling.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, maybe I don't make any sense.