Elaboration.

Kristen&Hannah, you most likely remember the bonfire before I left. We spoke of demons. As you know, they freak the crap out of me. Even though I know that they can't exactly hurt me. I specifically remember Hannah mentioning the fact that I'll be in Africa some day and they have a crazy amount of demonic spirited people, she also said that God won't send me or put me in the place of them until I'm ready.
Well God is working on that.

The subject of demonic spirits have come up so much just in the past few weeks. For one, that guy at the homeless outreach my first week. I ended up walking away from him because he was too scary to be around. I feel convicted of that now, but I wasn't ready.
Secondly, my suitemate. She is sooo spiritually sensitive. She loves God so much, it's the cutest thing. Although, there comes times when she doesn't feel God and Satan knows exactly when that time is. She soon gets attacked.
She had an attack the first week here and I didn't really deal with her that much, there were other people in there praying with her and I didn't want to intrude.

So last week I walked into her room and she was just laying on her bed, looking at her bible. I asked her how she was and she said "I'm alright". I knew then that she wasn't, she had tears in her eyes and she was shaking. So I got Nicole and we went in there. She proceeded to tell us that she was actually being attacked in that moment. She said that she had horrible feelings of worthlessness and that nobody cares for her- not even God. When this happens, she doesn't want to tell anyone because she feels that nobody will care about whats happening to her.
So periodically while talking with her a few other girls from the floor would walk in and eventually Olivia got into the middle of all of us and we laid hands on her and prayed over her. Each of us took a turn and afterwards she was in tears.
I couldn't imagine how scary that was for her. She is always so upbeat and happy, and to see her so scared like that- shaking and crying.. it was so upsetting.


God is slowly exposing me I believe, to prepare me for what's to come in the future.
I was talking to Mom about this the other day and she said, "Be careful. Satan knows where you're at and he hates it. He is going to try and attack you from every side, don't lose heart."
She's exactly right.

When something truly great is about to happen, people bail out because they are scared. They bail out because it gets tough. I refuse to let that happen, my life is God's and not even satan's attacks are going to scare me out.

update!

College keeps me busy, that's for sure.
Let's see, this past week was crazy.. Wednesday Josie and Emily came to visit me! :D. We walked around campus, ate at Kahuna's, and went to Adam Bros (a cute little indie coffee shop). Thursday I had my first exam- Sociology. That was the easiest test of my life! It was the exact replica of the study guide she gave us. Thursday's philosophy class was canceled (thank God) so I actually had time to eat lunch and have down time!

I got on facebook, fancy that. Then "he" pops up in my FB chat, and says "cake". Referring to the sociology exam we had just taken. This is our first substantial conversation. We got on the topic of God, and found out that we are in the same place- the waiting/listening game. We confessed our frustrations about it, but knew that God is sovereign. We also ended up just talking about the college and when we are going to watch fight club together ;]. Hopefully this Wednesday!

Now, Friday's exam... bleck. Western Civ.. I think I did okay on the multiple choice and the matching, it's just the essay question that killed me. Which is a third of our exam grade.

Saturday was GREAT. It was round two of the 3:11 project, the homeless outreach. I don't think I wrote about my first week so I'll just incorporate it in here.
My first week of the 3:11 project was kind of scary, but needed to happen. Everyone met at Ryan Miflin's house (the creator of this project) and got the down low on all of the rules.
1. Don't go with them down a creepy dark alley to see the abandoned warehouse where they live. Especially if you are a girl.
2. Don't give them your contact information.
3. Don't give them any cash.
4. Don't go anywhere alone.

All safety precautions, even though they may sound harsh- it's truth. Everyone gathered the canvas bags that have various items like soap, shampoo, cookies, water, socks, razors, etc. We all crammed into vehicles and carpooled to St. Louis.
As soon as we pull up to the designated area that this group has been faithfully coming to each saturday for the past 2 years, people flooded around the cars just simply waiting for us to be ready.
We walked up to the sidewalk, and formed a line. The homeless people walked through and grabbed what they wanted. Some would simply say thankyou and be on there way, but others hung out for a while and made conversation.
I met a lady named Angie and we bonded a little bit because she has a sister named Megan, haha. We got to talking and my friend Andie asked her if she had a place to stay tonight or a bed to sleep in. Angie just looked away and said "no" while scoffing her feet in the dirt. Almost with embarrassment. My heart broke for her instantly. This woman was so SWEET. She deserved more than this.

As we are talking I hear a commotion over by the group. A man is screaming in their faces. He was quoting the story of the prodigal son, but if anyone said anything he would get close to them and yell "YOU DON'T KNOW S***! Don't interrupt me, Don't piss me off! I'll beat your A**." Then he would go off on a rant and just yell and yell and yell. This guy.. was so scary. I've never been exposed to anything like this before. I walked over and he is growling, and shaking his cane in the air. After 20 minutes or so he walked away for good. Another homeless man came up and APOLOGIZED for this OTHER man's behavior towards us.
We stuck around until the last of them came up and then left. Jonas, one of the main guys mentioned that we forgot to pray over the group before we left Greenville. This man that was yelling at us had demons in him, at least we believe.
I took so much from this experience, I had never ever appreciated my bed more in my life.

This week went a lot smoother, aside from getting lost. haha. I rode with 2 other guys and 2 other girls, and we basically had a dance party in the car the whole ride. To High School Musical music. HA. It was so much fun, and the weather was so amazing- we had the windows rolled down. When we get to St. Louis all of the roads getting to this park were closed off. We spent an hour just trying to figure out how to get around it and get to the homeless. That in itself was hilarious. My RC was in front of us driving and she is probably the craziest driver I've ever met. Imagine following that in St. Louis.
We finally got to the park an hour later than usual. I saw Angie, and it really just made my day.

The greatest thing I will probably take from this is this,
One man was walking down the line and through the group, HAPPY, and he got to the socks. He says with delight, "I haven't worn socks ALL summer! Praise God! I tell you what, My God gives me what I need." With that he said God Bless You, and went about his way.
This man had more faith than what most Christians with a roof over their head and a place to sleep have. It amazed me.
God is really working here at Greenville. In me.
I love it.

Last night was great too! I went to my first Black Room show as a Greenville student :D. For one, the music was awesome. I can't remember the names, but I've not seen anyone perform like this guy did.
Freakin' spectacular.
After music in the black room, some of us went to my friend Amy's room to hear her play. There were probably 10 of us in the room. Met some new people too, which is always nice.
Oh and I drank my first full cup of coffee.. and I enjoyed it. I hope I don't get addicted to coffee- that's money!

erm?

Well ladies- I did get his number.
But then I see a skype picture on his facebook added yesterday of he and that girl that has a caption of, "1 year!? <3"

That's okay though. :D

I'm not upset, I'm great with friends.

Dear Hannah

For starters, I love you. I was so heart-broken when you said that you felt judged by us. That us you mentioned includes myself. I think I'm too quick to offer advice (judgement) and too slow in realizing whether or not people actually want it. My hope is that you never feel judged by myself, or the rest of us, ever again. What you said is true- in a group of friends you should never have to feel judged. You should be able to be yourself.
Hannah, you're a wonderful person. I feel that sometimes just because your actions differ from mine that I automatically think it's flirting. When in truth- you are only trying to be yourself.

For that I am sorry, please forgive me.

processing.

Vespers=spectacular.

Vespers is a student led chapel and it's the BEST chapel that they offer here. Student worship. Student speaker. 9:30 p.m. Thursday nights.
Last night's vespers was a worship service. The person who spoke, spoke for maybe 5 minutes and everything else was worship. I've had a heavy burden on my heart for so long now that I can barely stand it. God brought it to my attention last night. During worship I was just praying for Him to rescue me and to comfort me. I felt His love, but that doesn't mean that everything has been washed away right now. It is a process that I have to go through and I began that process this evening.

The hatred of my image. The story that accompanies this is still burned in my heart and I feel like I've never really let it go. Even though I taught FCA girls to love themselves, I believe that this is a great concept but I never truely believed it for myself. I feel like a hypocrite.
I've tried to use fancy, persuasive words to shove this conflict into the deepest and darkest chambers of my heart and now it is coming back fullfledge.
I've only told the story to a select few and even then its really hard for me to do so. Even if these people love me.

I was talking to Gina, a girl on my floor tonight and we got on the topic of Soccer David. I told her that I could never actually talk to him and that nothing would amount of this crush. She asked why. I felt like God was tugging at my "heartstrings" and led me to tell her exactly why.
So I told her my story.
I felt like I wasn't even saying it consciously, like it was all God.

She said the greatest things, and then she hugged me and said, "Megan. You are beautiful. Someday, you are going to get married and your husband is going to find you more beautiful than anyone. He is going to love you and admire you. God has someone greater than you can imagine in mind. I wish that you could see the beauty that we all see when we see you."
All the while I'm just crying. It felt good to let this out. It felt good to be vulnerable.

Being a christian doesn't mean I have to have it all together, and that is what I thought for the longest time. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect.
I'm broken, but my God will piece me back together. Like puzzle pieces in His hand.

Ring by ?

I'm trying to learn that I don't need a man in my life to make me complete. This is a concept that so many girls fall into, and it's so devastating.

I'm seeing all of these christian couples here on campus, and there is a phenomenon here on campus: "Ring by Spring". Basically a lot of couples here are engaged by the spring of the senior year. That's all good and well, but that leaves the girls who are single waiting on some guy to enter a relationship with in hopes of marriage. That also forces girls to settle.
Like my sister.

I refuse to let that happen to me, but all the while I'm hoping and praying to God that He is going to bring me MY man soon. I can't wait to meet the man who is going to stand next to me in church and love me for who I am when the world doesn't.
I'm trying to remember that I'm only 18 years old and there is a big world out there. I'm also realizing how good guys CAN be. I've been hurt pretty badly, while sad but true, I'm just now seeing that not all guys are jerks. Not all guys are shallow. Not all guys are self-absorbed.

There are a lot of gentlemen here. Gentlemen who open doors, who ask how your day is and actually mean it, who are interested in getting to know you for your personality and as a sister in Christ, and who are genuinely kind. Although I am still struggling with this, I know that someday, someone will be mine and until that day comes I'm going to try my hardest to be content with being single.


I'm 100% pure. Yes that means no kiss, no held hand, no anything. I'm completely okay with that, actually I take pride in this.

Passionfruit.

I love seeing passion.

Yesterday I sat outside on Scott Field (middle of campus) with some friends and I was really debating on whether or not I should go to the Southwestern Vs Greenville high school game or not. That's when Amy walked out with a guitar on her back and I was sold. I had heard that she was an amazing singer/songwriter and I was really anticipating hearing her. So she and Erin sat on the bench and I on a blanket laying on my stomach. She said that performing made her nervous, and she apologized. She told Erin to sing with her and harmonize. (Erin has a beautiful voice too)
As soon as she started playing I was in complete awe. This girl is PHENOMENAL. Not only is she one of the best guitar players I've seen lately, she really is a singer/songwriter. Her lyrics... wow. The best part was, she played because she has a passion for it- not for recognition.
It brought me to tears. Really. Well of course I wasn't sobbing.. that would just be weird.

From there we went to see another friend, Amber, perform at Adam Bros, a coffee shop in town. She was also really good. Amy and Amber are roomies, could you imagine the beauty that would come from that?!

GC!

College has been great, although I just feel that I'm not venturing out as much as I should. I'm very involved with the girls on my floor, we're actually one of the only floors that do things together.. haha.
We have "salon 224" on our floor. Sarah who lives in room 224 is a wonderful hair cutter/stylist. I had my bangs trimmed and I dig it. Other girls that have very long hair actually got bobs and they look WONDERFUL. So now I don't have to pay for a haircut! Sarah can do it :]

But other than that I only know a couple other girls that I actually have hung out with that aren't on my floor. I'm trying to remember that I'm only a freshman and that i've only been here for almost 2 weeks. I have new oppurtunities too now!

I got the library job :] I start working today. I'm so happy, I needed this job so much. Anyway so I'll meet people there.
I'm going to the campus crusades meeting at 7 this evening, and the missions outreach meeting at 9:30. I know once I get involved in activites on campus things will work and I'll meet other poeple.

I also have a new roommate. Her name is Nicole. She's actually really cool! We stayed up until 1 a.m. talking. She is interested in missions as well, so we're already connecting.



oh and did I mention there are beautiful men here? ;]